for all the advocates, all the people who say they are safe to be vulnerable with and then really not understand….

You don’t know what major depression is unless you have experienced it. You can say you have experienced depression, but it was likely mild.

You can say you have a friend or family member that deals with it,

I promise you only know a fraction of their struggles.

Today I posted something on social media, about experiencing severe depression, and how suicides spikes on new years day

A friend responded trying to be supportive, to say look at all ive accomplished and overcome over the last year. I should write a book.

In my head, For every major thing I accomplished last year, I lost something more important. My position in life is worse regarding the basics. I don’t have my basic needs met. I am moving out of my exes house and moving my stuff in with someone who thinks it’s ok (and has repeatedly told me I am deserving of it) to hit me, shove me, throw things at me, deny my sexuality and personal identity, as well as go on anti gay rants any time I get slightly upset. They insult my intelligence and tell me that I was treated too good as a child.

I should have been hit more.

And they have started doing that.

I’m at that place now, writing this. I’m making waffles to store in my car so I can eat them while I’m not here. I have permission to be here and keep my stuff here, but it literally comes at a cost of being physically abused.

All the medical places ask if you feel safe in your home. I laugh to keep from crying.

The thought of being able to write a book while experiencing depression of this magnitude is laughable. I just went 4 days without showering and barely getting any nutrition in me (a friend did take me out to dinner, that was nice).

It is really, really exemplary of how much people dont understand depression.

I’m working on expanding the pantry food in my car to include refrigerated items, while it’s cold and winter in Michigan. That’s about my limit of things I can accomplish right now. Storing food inside my car.

Writing a book. Sigh.


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